AT4W: Flash comics NO.1

Memorable quotes from episode 217:

Linkara: "We open with The Flash doing ballet apparently, as his one foot is up on his tippy toes. And his torso is kind of bulky. And the other leg just disappears from sight... Maybe we got Rob Liefeld all wrong; he's actually an artist from the Golden Age who was somehow transported here."
Narrator: "Faster than the streak of the lightning in the sky... Swifter than the speed of the light itself... fleeter than the rapidity of thought..."
Linkara (as narrator): "Speedier than a Gonzales..."
Narrator: "...The Flash, reincarnation of the winged Mercury..."
Linkara: "Uh, you may want to clarify if you're speaking metaphorically. With superhero comics, that's entirely plausible."
Narrator: "His speed is the dismay of scientists..."
Linkara (as scientist): *pretending to hold up a beaker* "Only a science major could–" *suddenly, a red flash streaks by, startling/annoying Linkara* "Damn it, I am so dismayed!" *throws down "beaker"*
Narrator: "But before he became known and feared as "the fastest thing on Earth", Jay Garrick was an unknown student at Midwestern University..."
Linkara (as narrator): "Except for, well, all the people who knew him, as we're about to see." *looks around shiftily*
Linkara: "Jay runs up to his love interest Joan and asks her out to a dance."
Joan: "I don't think so, Jay... You're... a scrub on the football team..."
Linkara (as Joan): "And you never stand up to Dr. Cox."
Joan: "And Captain Bull Tryon's already asked me!!"
Jay: "You mean you won't go out with me--- just because I'm a football scrub?"
Linkara (as Joan): "Well, that and the werewolf thing."
Joan: "No... but because a man of your build and brains could be a star... A scrub is just an old washwoman!! You won't put your mind to football!!"
Linkara: *confused* "So... he's a towel boy for the football team? I'm confused now. Also, let this be a lesson, aspiring young men: the ladies only appreciate your strength and intelligence if it's put to use on a college football team."
Jay: "So I'm..."
Linkara (as Jay): "Hyphen..."
Jay: "...an old washwoman, eh? I'll show her!!"
Linkara (as Jay): "I'll only use regular strength on her laundry!" *nods*
Linkara: "Jay tries to do better on the football field, but still has trouble."
Narrator: "But in the research laboratory, the football dub is a brilliant student..."
Linkara: "'Football dub'? He's the football team's translator?"
Professor: "Jay, you've studied the gasses emanating from "hard water" for three years..."
Linkara: *stumped* "Hard... water? They're experimenting on ice? Well, okay, obviously, Gardner Fox meant "heavy water", since that's what it tends to be retconned as in future stories. Jay works on it long into the night, naturally wearing a business suit while he does so, because that's appropriate attire for science. He goes on until three-thirty in the morning."
Jay: "Three-thirty! I need a smoke!!"
Linkara: *grinning* "Oh, 1940's. Never change."
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Linkara: "And I guess that cigarette was just so alive with pleasure for him that he completely leaned back onto the beaker full of heavy water, and it drops down to the floor and shatters, emitting noxious fumes.
Jay: "WHEW... That gas is... powerful... stuff..."
Linkara: *looks up, wearing a pair of blind glasses, while "Purple Haze" plays in the background* "Oh, wow, man... By the way, I would love it if it turned out that this whole thing was just an anti-smoking PSA."
Narrator: "Overcome by the fumes, Jay lurches forward..."
Jay: "It... It's too much... for me..."
Linkara (as Jay): "Squiggly lines... overpowering me..." *groans and falls over*
Linkara: "The next day, the professor who was working with him walks in and finds his body, which has been inhaling the "deadly fumes of the gas elements of 'hard water'." I don't think this comic knows what half of those words mean, especially not "deadly", because I imagine he'd be, you know, DEAD if he was inhaling DEADLY fumes all night. He's in the hospital for the next few weeks, but fortunately, he makes it through."
Jay: "Boy, that food tastes good! I could eat a horse!"
Nurse: "You'll eat mush for another week... and like it!!"
Linkara: *laughs* "Have you noticed that my torso is really boxy?" *frowns* "In another section of the hospital, Colonel Sanders here is talking with the professor about what's happened to Jay."
Doctor: "Unless the specialist from New York is crazy... your boy will be the fastest thing that ever walked on Earth!! The elements of hard water will speed up a person's reflexes... the gas injects him like a vaccination..."
Linkara: "Yeah, the gas injects him." *beat* "Via his lungs." *another beat* "What?"
Doctor: "Science knows that hard water makes a person act much quicker than ordinarily..."
Hitler Clone: "Of course. Don't you know anything about science?"
Doctor: "By an intake of its gases, Jay can walk, talk, run and think swifter than thought... He will probably be able to outrace a bullet!!"
Linkara: *pulls out a pistol* "Here, let's go test it!" 
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Linkara: "Jay's apparently safe to go home now, but he spots Joan outside the window and immediately runs out to her at super speed. He even proclaims..."
Jay: "WHEEE– Can I travel!!"
Linkara: "WHEE! Does this comic know dialogue or what? He super-speeds to a library to get a book for her and then returns it."
Jay: "It scares me, sort of! But I guess I'm just a freak of science..."
Linkara (as Jay): "In fact, you could say that I'm a super freak. Super freak. I'm super freaky."
Linkara: "He asks her once again to go to the dance, but she says she only will if he plays in the state game. You know, I do have to wonder about people like this. If her love is dependent on football careers, what the hell is she gonna if none of these guys picked up for the major leagues? Anyway, the game comes, and Jay gets his shot and, of course, uses his superpowers to score touchdown after touchdown."
Jay: "Boy, this is the stuff!! A football star-- and a date with Joan tonight!!"
Linkara: "With great power, there must also come... a hot date and the accolades from your peers. You should feel lucky you're in the DC Universe, Jay; if this was Marvel, your loved ones would have one foot in the grave by now. Jay eventually graduates and naturally, he is not some massive celebrity or something for his amazing superpowers. Nah, he gets to move to New York and become an assistant professor! Joan, meanwhile, goes off to help her military father in his "atomic bombarder" research. I'd make a joke about the Hulk, but we actually have a few more weeks to go before we get to him. In New York, Jay reads about some gangsters who keep eluding the district attorney, and apparently, that's all the inspiration he needs to become The Flash! Seriously, that's it."
Narrator: "That night, the gangsters are visited by a figure clad in the wings of Mercury... a human bolt of lightning... THE FLASH!"
Linakra: "Aaaand we don't get to see any of that visit. We just cut to a bunch of gangsters quitting their profession because of this."
Gangster: "He just disappears in front you!! I'm quitting this racket!!"
Linkara: "But what will you with all your green plaid suits if you're not a gangster?"
Jay: "I feel better... turning my speed into channels to fight crime...I feel useful to humanity!!"
Linkara (as Jay): "I like narrating to myself out loud. I feel useful to the reader."
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Linkara: "We cut to "another part of town", where the gangsters are celebrating their belief that Joan is dead. Apparently, no one bothered to look behind them as they were driving off to make sure they got her."
Siuer Satan: "I, Sieur Satan, say that Williams will now tell us his secret base of the atomic bombarder!!"
Linkara (as Sieur Satan): "Yes! He will totally be willing to help us once we tell him that we murdered his daughter!" *nods* "Wait..."