AT4W: New Teen Titans

Memorable quotes from episode 189:


Linkara: "So where did this book come from? Well, then-President Reagan's drug awareness campaign was looking for superhero comics to talk about drugs and, well, get kids aware of why they shouldn't do them. According to artist George Perez, while they weren't initially looking at the Titans, what got their attention was a two-part story about teenage runaways that had been a part of the book's normal run. Today's particular comic was done by Wolfman and Perez, who were totally on board with doing the book. However, they ran into a stumbling block here and there. Perez has said that the released product was pretty watered down from their original draft, that their runaways story only had to deal with DC editorial, but the drug awareness book had to face several government commissons that said stuff like "we don't want to blame any kids" or "we don't want parents to feel intimidated", etc, etc. Wolfman himself, wanting to get educated about drugs, had spent a lot of time in New York attending meetings with former drug users and anti-drug organizations. When he spoke with former users and translated some of their stories into the book, he had to cut down the amount of drugs he heard them use, because a lot of the drugs sounded so outlandish that nobody would believe they were real things. I guess this explains our old pal China Cat, which apparently is a real drug name. Seriously, who the hell come up with names like that? *said in a gravely drug pusher voice* "Hey man, you wanna get a hit of Slinky!?" *jiggles a Slinky toy back and forth* "Everyone knows it's Slinky."
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Linkara: "We open on a kid named Debbie, giving a testimonial about how she got into drugs."
Debbie: "I've taken alcohol, pot, hash, hash oil-"
Linkara: "Pot, hash, and hash oil? I'm pretty sure those are all the same thing."
Debbie: "-pop and mushrooms-"
Linkara: "Oh my God, not pop! First they get you on the Pepsi, then they move you up to harder stuff like Mountain Dew!"
Debbie: "Another friend was doing smoke and asked if I wanted to. I didn't, not at first, but then I said "Sure." I mean, most of my friends were. Besides, everyone thinks pot's safer than alcohol, right?"
Linkara (as Debbie): "But then we got the munchies, and started eating Cheetos, and the Cheeto dust got everywhere, and I couldn't wash it off my hands! It's like my hands were stained with orange blood!"
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Linkara: "The comic truly opens with the Titans attacking a warehouse."
Speedy: "There, in that building. It took two months to find them, but the work paid off."
Linkara (as Speedy): "Push back the release date on that new toy again, huh? Well, we'll see whose preorder gets honored now!"
Speedy: "By the way, Protector, I'm really glad you're joining us on this case."
Protector: "My pleasure, Speedy. I've always wanted to work with the Teen Titans."
Linkara (as Protector): "I'm sure this team up will lead to many, many more in the future!"
Linkara: "Anyway, they're attacking a drug lab and naturally, people who make drugs wear three-piece suits, espcially purple ones like this fellow. I mean, dress for success, am I right? Starfire wonders why anyone would make drugs which would only hurt other people."
Speedy: "Greed, Starfire- pure and simple greed."
Linkara (as Speedy): "There are no other reasons why people make drugs whatsoever!"
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Linkara: "Two goons try to escape, but Raven intercepts them. Being an empath, she envelops the two with her soul self and causes them to feel the pain caused by drug addicts. However after she finishes, she convulses in pain."
Raven: "Help me, the world has gone mad!"
Linkara: "And we see from her eyes the world has become distended and discolored! OH MY GOD! RAVEN'S TRIPPING BALLS!"
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Starfire: "Speedy, you know more about these things than I do."
Linkara (as Speedy): "Yes, Starfire, I know."
Linkara (as Starfire): "I mean, what with you being a heroin addict and all."
Linkara (as Speedy): "Thank you, Starfire, everyone's aware of that."
Linkara (as Starfire): "I mean, you were doing the China Cat pretty heavy."
Linkara (as Speedy): "That's enough, Corrie."
Linkara (as Starfire): "I'm just saying, you were high as a kite and hearing colors all the time."
Linkara (as Speedy): "You know, for an alien from a culture all about love, I'm not feeling any right now."
Starfire: "If drugs are bad, why do kids take them?"
Speedy: "Lots of reasons, and sometimes no reasons."
Linkara 1: "Hey, why did you start taking crack?"
Linkara 2: "Eh. No reason."
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Linkara: "A doctor comes to them and lets them know that unfortunately they got to him too late and he died."
Starfire: "Those drugs killed him?"
Linkara (as Doctor): "Oh heck no, we're just a terrible hospital."
Linkara: "Starfire immediately flies out into the now-night-again."
Darth Vader: "NOOOOOO!"
Linkara: "The doctor walked off to talk to one of the parents of one of the boy's friends who is also in the hospital, though fortunately she got to the hospital in time and is in detox. Meanwhile, Starfire in her rage arrives back at the drug lab from earlier."
Starfire: "Well they'll never kill another child again! Nobody will ever die because of this place!"
Linkara: "And she promptly eradicates the building."
Linkara (as Starfire): "There, now the police have no crime scene to investiagte, no evidence, and I'm guilty of destruction of private property. I'm feeling better already!"
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Linkara: "Back at the hospital Beast Boy, or rather Changeling as he was called at the time, tries to talk to the brother of the girl in detox."
Changeling: "Are you with the O'Haras?"
Teddy: "I'm Teddy, Debbie's brother. What's it to you?"
Changeling: "I dunno. It's just sad to see someone so young-"
Teddy: "You mind? I don't wanna talk about this."
Linkara (as Teddy): "How dare you show kindness and compassion! Go to hell!"
Linkara: "The Titans talk with Debbie's parents."
Father: "We didn't notice it at first, but she started dressing differently, as if she didn't care what she looked like."
Linkara: "I wouldn't worry about it, dude. The leg warmers, neon colors, and plastic bracelets will go out of style in a few years."
Mother: "And you should hear how she talks to us. Every other word out of her mouth is a curse."
Linkara (as Mother): "I'm telling you sweetie, that Angry Video Game Nerd is a bad influence on her!"
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Linkara: "Annnd time for another testimonial."
Anna: "My brother, Juan, he was the one who started me using drugs. Now look at him- he's dead."
Linkara: "Oh, I get it! Juan from Spider-Man: How To Beat The Bully was addicted to steroids! That's how he could toss people around one-handed!"
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Linkara: "The kids, who are friends of Debbie's, recognize the Titans and decide to bolt."
Raven: *in extreme closeup* "Please, do not run."
Linkara (as Raven): *same closeup* "Aren't my eyes comforting when they're up close like this?"
Linkara: "The kids try to escape the hospital, but the Titans intercept them. Speedy asks why they were trying to run."
Joe: "What do you expect? What would you do if you saw "The Man" coming at you?"
Linkara (as Joe): "The first thing they do is punch you in the stomach and declare that they're a man!"
Linkara: "The girl from the testimonial, Anna, says that her brother was the one they found dead. The other kids, however, insist that they don't want any help."
Starfire: "On my planet, we care about each other. We never turn our backs on anyone."
Joe: "So go back to your planet, lady. We don't operate like that here."
Linkara (as Joe): "We are all complete and utter assholes on this planet. Your hair looks stupid!"
Roger: "Joe's right. Go back where you came from. You're nothing but bigshot superheroes. You don't know anything about this."
Speedy: "Pal, you just made yourself a bad mistake."
Linkara (as Speedy): "Here! Wanna see the pictures of my DEAD DAUGHTER, who led me to start taking drugs again!? DO YOU!? ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!!!"
Linkara: "Oh, but I kid. Lian hadn't been born yet at this point in the comics... and, thanks to the reboot, she never existed at all. Neither did this team, from what I can tell." *beat* "You know, I think I may hate the reboot."
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Linkara: "While the three continue to talk to the kids, we cut back to the hospital room, where Debbie's parents try to convince her to tell them where she got the drugs from."
Debbie: "You don't understand. You never have. I don't snitch."
Linkara (as Debbie): "Even though taking the drugs has landed me in the hospital where I'm barely clinging to life, I see nothing wrong."
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Linkara: "Cyborg says that he used to be friends with druggies and he did some drinking and pot as well, but he stopped because of his athletic aspirations at the time."
Protector: "Listen, I want to follow up on what Ted told us. This might be the chance we've been hoping for. Let's go!"
Linkara (as Protector): "I am the Protector, you new Lord and Master! You will come and go as I command!"
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Linkara: "Meanwhile, the Titans following the choppers pursue them to a cold mountain region, no doubt where the drug dealers have their secret mountain headquarters. All drug dealers have those, right?"
Dealer: "One of the delivery kids bought it today- at the warehouse."
Drug lord: "So what else is new? You know what this stuff is laced with. Anyone could die."
Linkara (as Drug lord): "Yes, because my goal is to have people die, thus they'll stop being able to buy drugs from me!"
Drug lord: "And if they're stupid enough to buy it, they get what they deserve."
Linkara (as Drug lord): "Oh my God, it's fun being transparently evil! I'm gonna go kick a puppy!"
Linkara: "Starfire, enraged, attacks them. The Protector wants her to hold back, worried that she'll kill them and they'll be no better than the murderous drug dealers."
Cyborg: "Okay, you're right, boss-man..."
Linkara: "He's not your boss! Your boss is busy doing a Nabisco crackers commercial!"
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Linkara: "The parents want her to be quiet, but suddenly she goes nuts."
Anna: "I hate you! I hate both of you! And I'm glad he died! Why don't you all die? You all hate me. You hated him, too. Everyone hates us because you don't understand us."
Tommy: "Everybody betrayed me, I'm fed up with this world."
Anna: "Why don't you leave us alone. Go away for God's sake- go away!"
Linkara (as Anna): *flailing* "Being hysterical and angry is what pot does to you, right?"
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Linkara: "The ground-based Titans find their way over to a rather large group where drugs are getting distributed. Seriously, wouldn't having this many kids in this spot gather unwanted attention? Anway, Speedy, Wonder Girl, and Changeling attack, beating the snot out of the dealers. The kids try to run, but Raven gets in their path."
Raven: "Listen to me and know what drugs can do to you... you must understand how they affect your bodies. You ability to have children may be impaired."
Linkara (as Kid 1): "But Raven, I don't wanna have kids!"
Linkara (as Kid 2): "I already have a disorder that leaves me incapable of having kids."
Linkara (as Raven): "Oh, crap, I didn't think about that."
Raven: "And addictions may be passed to innocent babies."
Mr. T: "It's a crack baby, fool!"
Linkara: "Seriously Raven, these kids are like 12 and 13. I don't think you should have opened with the 'but it may hurt your ability to have kids' argument. Anyway, the Titans at the street level finish up while a federal task force arrives to take the drug dealers in the mountain into custody. Raven continues to talk to to the kids, telling them about all the physical effects of drugs that don't affect childbirth. Unfortunately being an empath, she's feeling all those afflictions right then and there, and the others decide to take her someplace safe and let the kids go with a warning to go to detox or some other kind of program."
Speedy: "Believe me, I know- there can be hope."
Linkara (as Speedy): "Unless you get your arm cut off and your daughter killed, and her zombie ghost appears to you."
Linkara: "Yeah, I'm still bitter. What of it? Back with the asshole kids, they all realize that drugs are ruining their lives and they decide to get help. After one more testimonial, we cut to a drug detox center where a bunch of kids and parents are in a group session talking about what happened. The parents thank the Titans for all their help."
Speedy: "Thanks, we but had nothing to do with this. The kids made their decisions by themselves."
Linkara (as Speedy): "I mean, it's not like we frightened them with stories about our own experiences with drugs and then interrupted them in a middle of drug sale, or pursued them and talked to them. We didn't do anything."