AT4W: Superman's Christmas Adventure

Narrator: "Yuletide! Period of gaiety and good will among men!"
Linkara (as narrator): "Remember to load your shotguns, it's almost upon us!"
Narrator: "It seems hardly possible that anyone could be so mean as to sabotage such a beloved event..."
Linkara: "Actually, if Christmas specials have taught us anything, there seems to be an inordinate amount of people dedicated to destroying Christmas: Scrooges, Grinches, Martians... See, that's the real war against Christmas. And just imagine all these curmudgeonly individuals gathering together, Legion of Doom-style, in a big hall, and sharing plots to eradicate any joy and good will. Speaking of..."
Narrator: "...but Dr. Grouch, gloomy killjoy, plans to do just that!"
Linkara: "Ah, yes, Dr. Grouch, of the Boston Grouches, no doubt. Seriously, what the hell kind of a family name is "Grouch"? Wouldn't you opt to change that, especially if you were a doctor?"
Narrator: "It remains for Superman to demonstrate that though scoundrels may seek to undermine all that Xmas signifies..."
Linkara: "Except for Christ, anyway, since they seem to have taken that out of the name."
Narrator: "...the triumphant spirit of Christmas shall exist eternally!"
Linkara (as narrator): "Even when we are enslaved by harsh killer robots in the far future," *holds up fist* "the Christmas spirit shall reign supreme!"
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Linkara: "We truly open at the Daily Planet, where the Chief is talking to Lois and Clark."
Perry White: "This snowfall reminds me that Christmas is almost here!"
Linkara (as Clark): "Uh, Chief, it's March."
Perry: "How about both of you covering the local department stores and writing a couple of feature stories on the activity and color on display there?"
Linkara (as Clark): "Uh, okay, let's see, there's..." *looks up and points* "red and... green and... a bit of white right there and... oh, I see some gold... red again..."
Linkara: "Nah, I know what he meant. The two reporters also figure it's a great opportunity to get some Christmas shopping done with."
Clark: "The stores certainly are crowded with Xmas shoppers!"
Linkara (as Clark): "Boy, I sure do like to say the blindingly obvious!"
Linkara: "The two meet a little boy eyeing the toys."
Boy: "My mom and dad are poor-- the closest I ever get to toys is when I look at them thru store windows!"
Clark: "You say your name is Billy Connelly and you live on Drake Street..."
Linkara (as Billy): "Uh, no, I didn't, mister."
Linkara (as Clark): "Oh, yes, you did, Billy. In your mind! I can read your thoughts, Billy..."
Linkara: "As they walk away, Lois remarks about how much it sucks that poor kids get screwed out of Christmas presents. Clark hits on the idea of having the Daily Planet run a donation drive for old toys."
Clark: "We'll repair them and distribute them to poor kids on Christmas Day!"
Linkara (as Clark): "Being photographers, writers and journalists, we obviously possess the skill set necessary to repair old toys."
Linkara: "I don't know why you're so concerned with the poor, Clark. The poverty problem is over there, and over there needs to stand on its own, right?"
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Clark: *becoming Superman* "So James Daniels is dissatisfied with his stack of toys, eh? There must be something I can do about THAT!"
Superman, bully of ungrateful children!
Linkara: "Seriously, what the hell, dude? Are you gonna do this with every child who's an asshole about his Christmas present? No wonder writers later had you struggle with a God complex."
Narrator: "Later-- in the wealthy boy's apartment..."
Linkara: "Wait, I just had a thought: if his parents are so wealthy that they can afford boats for their kid, why do they live in an apartment and not a mansion?"
Narrator: "...James awakens to see a cloaked figure beside his bed!"
Linkara (as narrator): "And by "cloaked", I mean, "not cloaked", because Superman doesn't wear a cloak."
Superman: "Wake up, James! You're coming with me!"
Superman, defender of truth, guardian of justice, kidnapper of children!
Superman: "Don't be frightened! I'm not going to hurt you!"
Linkara (as Superman): "I'm just going to take you from the warmth and comfort of your bedroom in the middle of the night into the cold, wintry sky, clad only in your pajamas, while I wear only a skintight outfit." *grins evilly*
Linkara: "He brings the young James over to a poorer district of the city."
Superman: "Look in! What do you see?"
James: "A little girl-- playing with a broken doll!"
Linkara (as James): *terrified* "Superman, is this the beginning of a horror movie?"
Linkara (as Superman): "Kid, what about this situation makes you think you aren't already in the horror movie?" *grins*
James: "But that doll was broken! Why, then, was she having such a good time?"
Superman: "Because that old toy means more to her than all your expensive playthings!"
Linkara (as Superman): "It's actually a channeling device. She'll use it to summon the forces of Hell and amass great amounts of demonic power!"
Linkara: "He then brings the kid over to another building."

Superman: "Look well- and I hope you never forget what you see!"
Linkara (as James): *terrified* "Uh, Superman, this is the filming set of a porno."
Linkara (as Superman): "Yeah, well, it wasn't intentional, it was getting late and... I'm getting kinda tired and... I can't quite remember where we're supposed to be going..."
James: "It's a boy--a boy of my own age-- CRYING!"
Linkara: "Aaand we see in the next panel the boy Clark and Lois were talking to earlier. And his back is to the window. How the hell can James tell the kid is his own age?"
James: "W-Why was he crying?"
Linkara (as Superman): "He just read the promotional solicit for "Avengers Arena". You'd be crying, too. Or yelling. That's what I did."
Superman: "Because he has NO toys at ALL to play with-- not even a broken one!"
Linkara (as Superman): "I probably could brought the kid a toy or something, since we were here anyway, but... eh, I figure it was better for him to just live in misery to teach" *points to camera* "you a lesson, twerp."
Linkara: "You know, I could just imagine what this kid is saying as he cries in his bed about the kids who are richer than him."
Chazz: "Who cares if he's richer than me? And so what if he's more powerful? I'm really good at playing card games! And that's what life is really all about, anyway!"
Linkara: "Superman brings the kid home."
James: "They had so little--and I have so much! I never realized--"
Superman: "I hope that you realize how fortunate you are--and how unfortunate many other children of your age are!"
Linkara (as Superman): *waving* "Merry Christmas, kid! Enjoy spending the day feeling ashamed and guilty!"
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Linkara: "We cut to the North Pole, where some kind of ship is flying towards Santa Claus' headquarters."
Voice on ship: "We'll put an end to all this Christmas foolishness!"
Linkara (as this person speaking): "Kamikaze run!" *holds up and shakes fist* "SEE YOU IN HELL, SANTA!!"
Narrator: "Within the vessel, Dr. Grouch and his crony, Mr. Meaney..."
Linkara: *stunned* "Really? Really?! Look, if you're not even gonna bother to give realistic names to these guys, just go all out! Call them "Mr. Jackass" or "Dr. I'm-The-Bad-Guy-With-Poor-Motivations"."
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Dr. Grouch: "Superman toys, shirts, puzzles, krypto-rayguns, belts, balloons--"
Santa: "Yes, Superman novelties are very popular this year!"
Linkara (as Santa): "Superman's a cash cow, gentlemen! I'm raking in the dough! Ho ho ho!"
Linkara: "Also, "krypto-raygun". So it was Santa Claus who created all the tech that supervillains used in the Gold and Silver Ages to kick Superman's ass?"
Dr. Grouch: "To come to the point-- we believe your factories can have a better purpose than making toys for children! All this labor and equipment going into a lot of foolishness! You can make commercial products and we can sell them! What a business we'd have!"
Linkara (as Dr. Grouch): "And it will only cost us billions of dollars to ship it out of the Arctic, what with the specialized equipment necessary to constantly be operating in a snowy wasteland."
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Dr. Grouch: "Resist, will he? I'll teach him to accept the ideas of Dr. Grouch!"
Linkara (as Dr. Grouch): "I'm going to write a strongly-worded memo about listening to my ideas!"
Linkara: "No, instead, they decide to go to the Daily Planet's "department for distributing toys", which, as we see in the next panel... consists of Lois and Clark. Are... Are they the only two people who work at the Daily Planet? And by the way, this takes place on Christmas Eve. Lois doesn't want to see her sister or her dad? I know Clark can technically super-speed over to his parents, but they're working late into the night here, and I imagine he'd want to see them on Christmas. Anyway, Grouch and Meaney... Dear Lord, I still can't get over that... storm in and use a gas gun on Clark, who feigns unconsciousness, because, well, Superman. They use the gun to knock Lois unconscious, but not before she manages to rip off the handkerchief covering his face and see who he is. The two set fire to the presents and make a run for it. Fortunately, Clark wakes up and easily puts out the fire, which, given the size of it, probably should've set off the fire alarms. Or sent Clark into the other world. Lois comes to and decides to chase after them while Clark resumes work on the toys. The two ne'er-do-wells return to their laboratory... because I guess they would have to have one, considering the crap they keep pulling."
Dr. Grouch: "Well, here we are, Meaney! Now to see the ruins of the Daily Planet on the television screen--"
Linkara (as Dr. Grouch): "Yes, committing arson and murder was well worth it to make some children mildly upset!"
Linkara: "They turn on the TV, and I was expecting a news broadcast, but apparently, they took the time to set up a camera inside of the Daily Planet, even in the room where the two had been wrapping presents. I mean, look at this! When the hell did they do that? Or is this some kind of magic TV that's just able to see anything anywhere? Anyway, realizing that their latest scheme has failed, they decide to return to the North Pole and smash up Santa's toy shop." *holding up hand* "Whoa, I think it's time for us to get scared, people! Two octogenarians armed with close-distance gas guns and umbrellas are gonna take on an army of cattle prod-wielding elves! Truly, this is the epic of our time!"
Dr. Grouch: "Come! The space ship awaits!"
Linkara: "Oh, yeah, their ship can go into space now, apparently. You know, say what you will about Ebenezer Scrooge, but the dude at least just retired to be alone with his riches. He didn't actively invent spaceships and stuff with the sole purpose of ruining Christmas children. Dude just wanted to be left alone. Anyway, Lois sneaks onto the ship, and the two somehow manage to overpower the elves, quickly smashing as many toys as they can. They find Lois and... I can scarcely believe this, but... they tie her to a giant cartoon firework. What... the hell...?"
Dr. Grouch: "I'm putting on the heat-- This time it's goodbye and good riddance!"
Linkara: *holding up hand* "Okay, guys? You are once again trying to commit MURDER over Christmas! Get a hobby! Watch some soap operas! There is literally nothing riding on your mission to destroy Christmas! And then they just walk away from Lois and get back to work, smashing up toys with axes."
Mr. Meaney: "Tears--tears--the world will be flooded by the tears of little children!"
Linkara: "Oh, now I get these two! They work for Master Xandred on Power Rangers Samurai!" *beat* "What? It makes more sense than anything else about these characters."
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Linkara: "Anywho, Superman flies off to the North Pole and meets with Santa, who explains the situation... and reveals it's Christmas Eve to the audience, so a lot of this makes no sense at all... and Superman returns to Metropolis and easily finds Meaney, who has apparently traded in the spaceship for a truck. I'm guessing they used up all the spaceship going back and forth between the North Pole. He easily lifts the truck up and brings it back to the North Pole, revealing it has the reindeer inside. However, before they can detain Meaney, he knocks out the reindeer with his gas gun – all... two of them. Huh? Anyway, this shouldn't be an issue anyway, since we saw Lois got a face full of this stuff, and she was only out for about a minute, but for narrative purposes, the reindeer are all unconscious now."
Mr. Meaney: "Hah! Gloom will pervade the universe after all!"
Linkara: "Dude... give me something to work with here. Have you just not gotten laid in a long time? Were you separated from your beloved childhood sled? Are you really constipated?! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!? Superman, undeterred, tosses the old man into the sled and spends the entire night acting as the reindeer, lifting Santa's sled and carrying him around everywhere to deliver presents."
Santa: "Only Superman can perform this feat!"

Linkara (as Superman): "HA! EAT IT, BATMAN!"
Linkara: "Also, weren't the toys destroyed earlier? What the hell? Anyway, they arrive at the home of Dr. Grouch and toss Meaney down into the chimney... where he no doubt inspired the Christmas story from Gremlins. Or just broke his neck in general, given the angle he's falling at. And yet, when we see him emerge from the fireplace, he's sitting in the opposite position. Of course. Grouch and Meaney discuss what has happened and then hear Superman and Santa in the other room."
Superman: "You're still going to leave them gifts despite all the harm they've done to you?"

Santa: "Yes--it's the Christmas spirit to forgive your foes!"

Linkara: *laughs, then becomes enraged* "THEY TRIED TO MURDER PEOPLE!!"