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Memorable quotes from episode 220:
Linkara: "The teaser page starts us off with some guy who needs a comb pleading on his knees while surrounded by three guys in purple robes and... another person wearing a rather low-cut for them to show off their legs. Nice gams, though.
Scrounge: "Oh, Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future..."
Linkara (as Scrounge): "And Ghost of Christmas Pantyhose, I guess."
Linkara: "So... wait, they're supposed to represent the ghosts of all time periods? Man, budget cuts must have hit them hard if they're all dressing in the same robes."
Ghost: "We want you to undo all the wrongs you've done, you old skinflint, or we'll haunt you out of your grotty mind!"
Linkara (as ghost): *holding up hand* "I am the Ghost of Vocabulary Past!"
Narration: "Charles Dickens has been long dead..."
Linkara: *scoffs* "Well, clearly, you've never seen the movie The Riddle, wherein we learn that Charles Dickens is an immortal, murderous hobo."
Narration: "...but his great books, his fabulous characters, live on!"
Linkara: "Well, except for Sydney Carton, but that's kind of a given."
Narration: "In fact, his stories are so alive today that they keep on happening! So join you here that fantastic foursome, ye Teen Titans, for a holiday "happening" inspired by the immortal pages of the greatest yuletide tale of them all!"
Linkara: "'Greatest yuletide tale of them all'? Ha! Somehow I doubt that this comic was inspired by Santa with muscles."
Narration: "Yes, deck yourselves with boughs of holly..."
Linkara: *looks confused, but then shrugs and takes some holly and literally decks himself with it*
Narration: "...and park under the mistletoe most marvelous..."
Linkara: "Make out with a random stranger instead of reading this."
------
Kid Flash: "Hey, Robin-- how can you read that corny old tale? It's like nowhere!"
Linkara: "Yeah, Robin, you've gotta read more modern stuff, like that Superman comic where he shoots rainbows out of his fingers that form into miniature versions of himself."
Aqualad: "Check, Boy Wonder-- get with it! This Aquaman is cool, wet and wild!"
Linkara: "Oh, the 1960s, where everything you say sounds like a porno."
Aqualad: "And the kid with him... he's dynamite!"
Linkara: "Clearly, these are not the actual Teen Titans, but a bunch of cosplayers who are taking it way too seriously. Actually, this does raise an interesting point. Both Marvel and DC have shown that within their own universes, they actually do have comic books printed about the heroes. Mind you, if their identities aren't publicly known, the writers within the universe make up their own origins, but it's really kind of weird and meta-textual like that. Wonder if they have merchandising rights for this stuff and get income from it?"
Robin: "Very funny, gill-head..."
Linkara: *laughs* "Oh, Robin, you racist!"
Robin: "...but I enjoy old stories about Christmas! Charles Dickens was quite a writer!"
Wonder Girl: "But that story's definitely ungroovy these days!"
Linkara (as Wonder Girl): "Unlike us. We'll never become dated!"
------
Linkara: "We cut to a junkyard owned by "Ebenezer Scrounge". I know it's supposed to be a play on "Scrooge", but we once again follow the tradition of supervillains having a name that sounds like something. Dude is named Scrounge, so he owns a junkyard. Brilliant. And of course, because this is their telling of "A Christmas Carol", our Bob Cratchit is "Bob Ratchet". Subtlety, thy name is "Teen Titans comic". Naturally, Bob Ratchet wants Christmas off, but Scrounge says it'd be a waste of his time and money."
Ratchet: "But...But sir...everyone celebrates Christmas!"
Linkara: "Except for, you know, all the people who don't celebrate Christmas. Still, Scrounge says he can have Christmas if he keeps at the books, and Ratchet thinks to himself that he needs the job for his family."
Ratchet: *thinking* "My kid, Tiny Tom..."
Linkara: *incredulously* "You actually named your kid "Tiny Tom"??"
Ratchet: *thinking* "...needs that automatic wheelchair for Christmas, so he can get around and have a little fun!"
Linkara: "That's admirable, but there's a reason why Tiny Tim was sickly in the original version, and not just wanted a better cane, you know. Scrounge says Ratchet home early as some crooks arrive, and Ratchet is all too happy to leave. However, it seems his son decided to pay his father a visit at work. In his wheelchair. In a snowstorm. Forget the automatic wheelchair, Ratchet, I think you might want to invest in a new brain for your son. Not seeing his father in the office, Tom rolls around to the back and spots Ratchet making a business deal for some of his junk. After Ratchet leaves, he spots one of the goons using some kind of ray gun that shoots pink energy at some wrecked material and – get this – transforms the junk into brand-new material."
Crook: "Mr. Big sure has a good thing going here... importing "junk" from overseas and then turning it back into brand-new expensive stuff that he can sell at big profits, without paying any duty! It's foolproof!"
Linkara: "You have a device that changes broken stuff into new stuff? And you haven't patented the hell out of it?!"
Tiny Tom: *thinking* "WOW! They're smugglers..."
Linkara: "Um, no, they aren't! There is nothing illegal going on here! This is no different than somebody buying something used, fixing it up, and then reselling it. The only difference is that they have a magic gun that does the fixing. This isn't smuggling, this is what normal people do all the damn time! Tom manages to hurry back to his dad and tell him what's up. He says they should go to the police, but Ratchet thinks that Scrounge should explain himself first. So he goes to the guy, and Scrounge naturally doesn't give a rat's ass what they're doing as long as they pay him. Scrounge threatens Ratchet to not tell the police or he's fired, and what's more, tells him that he will work on Christmas just to keep an eye on him. And so he takes his son home... Geez, this kid must have frostbite by now, considering how long he's been out in the cold this evening... and tells him he can't risk losing the job."
Ratchet: "How could I buy that electric wheelchair for you? I promised your mother before she died..."
Linkara: "You promised your wife on her deathbed to get her son an electric wheelchair? I think she'd understand, dude! Fortunately, Tiny Tom has help he can call. Yes, the premise of the Teen Titans series at the time was that they would get called up by teenagers who were having problems and needed help, kinda like a teenaged, superpowered A-Team. And of course, as we learned in the "Brave and the Bold #54" review, all teenagers share a hive mind, wherein they have the exact same opinions and way of speaking. As such, of course all teenagers everywhere know how to get in contact with them. And so the four Titans arrive. Yeah, no Speedy in this one, so sadly, no more jokes about his dead daughter or his goofy turn to evil. The four stow away on a truck that the, quote-unquote, "crooks" are using to transport the material. The "crooks" dump the junk in the middle of an open field for absolutely no reason, but are suddenly attacked by a shadowy figure who beats them up. After forcing the goons to run, the shadowy figure makes his escape, and the Titans follow. Said shadowy figure arrives at Scrounge's house and knocks on his door. The figure starts yelling for Scrounge, who recognizes the voice."
Scrounge: "Jacob Farley!"
Linkara: *clutching his forehead in pain* "'Jacob Farley'? You know, when Doctor Who did "A Christmas Carol", the Doctor was deliberate in trying to recreate the story. This is so unlikely that I'm starting to think the Infinite Improbability Drive is somewhere in that junkyard. Oh, and Jacob Farley is dressed in stereotypical striped prison wear. Of course he is. Farley attacks Scrounge, wanting revenge for some wrong he committed, but the Titans storm in and intervene. Farley explains that the two used to be partners and had sold some defective material that ended up killing someone. As a result, Farley had the sole blame put on him. Scrounge, being a dick, decides to call the cops to throw them all out of his house, and in the commotion, Farley escapes."
Robin: "Come on, Titans! Bug out--!"
Linkara: *confused* "Uh... Okay, Robin." *puts down comic and uses his fingers to pull up his eyelids, widening his eyes*
------
Linkara: "On Christmas Eve, after Ratchet is sent home, Scrounge sticks around in case the goons show up again, but instead, he's visited by Kid Flash wearing big purple robes and claiming to be the Ghost of Christmas Past. He shows Scrounge a photo of him in his younger days... Where the hell did they get that? ...including his former lover, who left him for another man. Aaand that was it, apparently: show Scrounge a photo and then leave. Brilliant strategy!"
Patton: "You magnificent bastard, I read your BOOK!"
------
Linkara: "The crooks shoot at Wonder Girl and apparently graze her, which is enough to knock her out and send her plummeting to the ground. The crooks reveal that she's a Teen Titan, and Scrounge realizes he's been tricked. The other Titans arrive and attack the crooks."
Aqualad: "Howling hogfish..."
Linkara: "Aqualad... hogfish don't howl. In the storm of the battle, the junkyard's many pieces of, well, junk scatter all around the place."
Robin: "Wonder Chick--she'll be buried!"
Linkara: "Robin, she has super strength; I think she'll be fine. Well, actually, a mere winging by a bullet knocked her out cold, so what the hell? While Kid Flash deals with the junk pile, an electromagnet is activated that lifts Wonder Girl up to it by her bracelets."
Aqualad: "Suffering sticklebacks!"
Linkara: "AQUALAD, STOP SHOUTING CATCHPHRASES! Donna finally wakes up as she's dropped into a car compactor."
Wonder Girl: "Merciful Minerva!... Give me strength!"
Linkara: "YOU CAN FLY! Mr. Big activates some kind of anti-trespassing device for the area, and no, I have no idea what the hell the thing is. It just suddenly attracts the Titans into a big pile of junk and gets them trapped inside it. Nearby, Tiny Tom pleads with Scrounger to stop Mr. Big, while Aqualad gets sucked into the junk pile as well."
Aqualad: "Moaning mackerel!"
Linkara: "ANNOYING ATLANTIAN!"
Linkara: "The teaser page starts us off with some guy who needs a comb pleading on his knees while surrounded by three guys in purple robes and... another person wearing a rather low-cut for them to show off their legs. Nice gams, though.
Scrounge: "Oh, Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future..."
Linkara (as Scrounge): "And Ghost of Christmas Pantyhose, I guess."
Linkara: "So... wait, they're supposed to represent the ghosts of all time periods? Man, budget cuts must have hit them hard if they're all dressing in the same robes."
Ghost: "We want you to undo all the wrongs you've done, you old skinflint, or we'll haunt you out of your grotty mind!"
Linkara (as ghost): *holding up hand* "I am the Ghost of Vocabulary Past!"
Narration: "Charles Dickens has been long dead..."
Linkara: *scoffs* "Well, clearly, you've never seen the movie The Riddle, wherein we learn that Charles Dickens is an immortal, murderous hobo."
Narration: "...but his great books, his fabulous characters, live on!"
Linkara: "Well, except for Sydney Carton, but that's kind of a given."
Narration: "In fact, his stories are so alive today that they keep on happening! So join you here that fantastic foursome, ye Teen Titans, for a holiday "happening" inspired by the immortal pages of the greatest yuletide tale of them all!"
Linkara: "'Greatest yuletide tale of them all'? Ha! Somehow I doubt that this comic was inspired by Santa with muscles."
Narration: "Yes, deck yourselves with boughs of holly..."
Linkara: *looks confused, but then shrugs and takes some holly and literally decks himself with it*
Narration: "...and park under the mistletoe most marvelous..."
Linkara: "Make out with a random stranger instead of reading this."
------
Kid Flash: "Hey, Robin-- how can you read that corny old tale? It's like nowhere!"
Linkara: "Yeah, Robin, you've gotta read more modern stuff, like that Superman comic where he shoots rainbows out of his fingers that form into miniature versions of himself."
Aqualad: "Check, Boy Wonder-- get with it! This Aquaman is cool, wet and wild!"
Linkara: "Oh, the 1960s, where everything you say sounds like a porno."
Aqualad: "And the kid with him... he's dynamite!"
Linkara: "Clearly, these are not the actual Teen Titans, but a bunch of cosplayers who are taking it way too seriously. Actually, this does raise an interesting point. Both Marvel and DC have shown that within their own universes, they actually do have comic books printed about the heroes. Mind you, if their identities aren't publicly known, the writers within the universe make up their own origins, but it's really kind of weird and meta-textual like that. Wonder if they have merchandising rights for this stuff and get income from it?"
Robin: "Very funny, gill-head..."
Linkara: *laughs* "Oh, Robin, you racist!"
Robin: "...but I enjoy old stories about Christmas! Charles Dickens was quite a writer!"
Wonder Girl: "But that story's definitely ungroovy these days!"
Linkara (as Wonder Girl): "Unlike us. We'll never become dated!"
------
Linkara: "We cut to a junkyard owned by "Ebenezer Scrounge". I know it's supposed to be a play on "Scrooge", but we once again follow the tradition of supervillains having a name that sounds like something. Dude is named Scrounge, so he owns a junkyard. Brilliant. And of course, because this is their telling of "A Christmas Carol", our Bob Cratchit is "Bob Ratchet". Subtlety, thy name is "Teen Titans comic". Naturally, Bob Ratchet wants Christmas off, but Scrounge says it'd be a waste of his time and money."
Ratchet: "But...But sir...everyone celebrates Christmas!"
Linkara: "Except for, you know, all the people who don't celebrate Christmas. Still, Scrounge says he can have Christmas if he keeps at the books, and Ratchet thinks to himself that he needs the job for his family."
Ratchet: *thinking* "My kid, Tiny Tom..."
Linkara: *incredulously* "You actually named your kid "Tiny Tom"??"
Ratchet: *thinking* "...needs that automatic wheelchair for Christmas, so he can get around and have a little fun!"
Linkara: "That's admirable, but there's a reason why Tiny Tim was sickly in the original version, and not just wanted a better cane, you know. Scrounge says Ratchet home early as some crooks arrive, and Ratchet is all too happy to leave. However, it seems his son decided to pay his father a visit at work. In his wheelchair. In a snowstorm. Forget the automatic wheelchair, Ratchet, I think you might want to invest in a new brain for your son. Not seeing his father in the office, Tom rolls around to the back and spots Ratchet making a business deal for some of his junk. After Ratchet leaves, he spots one of the goons using some kind of ray gun that shoots pink energy at some wrecked material and – get this – transforms the junk into brand-new material."
Crook: "Mr. Big sure has a good thing going here... importing "junk" from overseas and then turning it back into brand-new expensive stuff that he can sell at big profits, without paying any duty! It's foolproof!"
Linkara: "You have a device that changes broken stuff into new stuff? And you haven't patented the hell out of it?!"
Tiny Tom: *thinking* "WOW! They're smugglers..."
Linkara: "Um, no, they aren't! There is nothing illegal going on here! This is no different than somebody buying something used, fixing it up, and then reselling it. The only difference is that they have a magic gun that does the fixing. This isn't smuggling, this is what normal people do all the damn time! Tom manages to hurry back to his dad and tell him what's up. He says they should go to the police, but Ratchet thinks that Scrounge should explain himself first. So he goes to the guy, and Scrounge naturally doesn't give a rat's ass what they're doing as long as they pay him. Scrounge threatens Ratchet to not tell the police or he's fired, and what's more, tells him that he will work on Christmas just to keep an eye on him. And so he takes his son home... Geez, this kid must have frostbite by now, considering how long he's been out in the cold this evening... and tells him he can't risk losing the job."
Ratchet: "How could I buy that electric wheelchair for you? I promised your mother before she died..."
Linkara: "You promised your wife on her deathbed to get her son an electric wheelchair? I think she'd understand, dude! Fortunately, Tiny Tom has help he can call. Yes, the premise of the Teen Titans series at the time was that they would get called up by teenagers who were having problems and needed help, kinda like a teenaged, superpowered A-Team. And of course, as we learned in the "Brave and the Bold #54" review, all teenagers share a hive mind, wherein they have the exact same opinions and way of speaking. As such, of course all teenagers everywhere know how to get in contact with them. And so the four Titans arrive. Yeah, no Speedy in this one, so sadly, no more jokes about his dead daughter or his goofy turn to evil. The four stow away on a truck that the, quote-unquote, "crooks" are using to transport the material. The "crooks" dump the junk in the middle of an open field for absolutely no reason, but are suddenly attacked by a shadowy figure who beats them up. After forcing the goons to run, the shadowy figure makes his escape, and the Titans follow. Said shadowy figure arrives at Scrounge's house and knocks on his door. The figure starts yelling for Scrounge, who recognizes the voice."
Scrounge: "Jacob Farley!"
Linkara: *clutching his forehead in pain* "'Jacob Farley'? You know, when Doctor Who did "A Christmas Carol", the Doctor was deliberate in trying to recreate the story. This is so unlikely that I'm starting to think the Infinite Improbability Drive is somewhere in that junkyard. Oh, and Jacob Farley is dressed in stereotypical striped prison wear. Of course he is. Farley attacks Scrounge, wanting revenge for some wrong he committed, but the Titans storm in and intervene. Farley explains that the two used to be partners and had sold some defective material that ended up killing someone. As a result, Farley had the sole blame put on him. Scrounge, being a dick, decides to call the cops to throw them all out of his house, and in the commotion, Farley escapes."
Robin: "Come on, Titans! Bug out--!"
Linkara: *confused* "Uh... Okay, Robin." *puts down comic and uses his fingers to pull up his eyelids, widening his eyes*
------
Linkara: "On Christmas Eve, after Ratchet is sent home, Scrounge sticks around in case the goons show up again, but instead, he's visited by Kid Flash wearing big purple robes and claiming to be the Ghost of Christmas Past. He shows Scrounge a photo of him in his younger days... Where the hell did they get that? ...including his former lover, who left him for another man. Aaand that was it, apparently: show Scrounge a photo and then leave. Brilliant strategy!"
Patton: "You magnificent bastard, I read your BOOK!"
------
Linkara: "The crooks shoot at Wonder Girl and apparently graze her, which is enough to knock her out and send her plummeting to the ground. The crooks reveal that she's a Teen Titan, and Scrounge realizes he's been tricked. The other Titans arrive and attack the crooks."
Aqualad: "Howling hogfish..."
Linkara: "Aqualad... hogfish don't howl. In the storm of the battle, the junkyard's many pieces of, well, junk scatter all around the place."
Robin: "Wonder Chick--she'll be buried!"
Linkara: "Robin, she has super strength; I think she'll be fine. Well, actually, a mere winging by a bullet knocked her out cold, so what the hell? While Kid Flash deals with the junk pile, an electromagnet is activated that lifts Wonder Girl up to it by her bracelets."
Aqualad: "Suffering sticklebacks!"
Linkara: "AQUALAD, STOP SHOUTING CATCHPHRASES! Donna finally wakes up as she's dropped into a car compactor."
Wonder Girl: "Merciful Minerva!... Give me strength!"
Linkara: "YOU CAN FLY! Mr. Big activates some kind of anti-trespassing device for the area, and no, I have no idea what the hell the thing is. It just suddenly attracts the Titans into a big pile of junk and gets them trapped inside it. Nearby, Tiny Tom pleads with Scrounger to stop Mr. Big, while Aqualad gets sucked into the junk pile as well."
Aqualad: "Moaning mackerel!"
Linkara: "ANNOYING ATLANTIAN!"